'Children Deserve to Know
Where They Come From'
is a campaign led
by Emma- child behaviour advisor
and family therapist
best known
for her work as
'The Child Listener™'
Discussing and exploring the
issues relating
to children born through:
Is The 'Anonymous Us' Project
being used to support the abolishment
of ALL sperm donation- and 'prove' that children should
only
be raised by straight, married fertile couples?
There have been a range of press releases regarding the
'Anonymous Us Project'
and many have asked for our
comments, as the two
sites
seem (until closer
examination) to have a common goal?
.....
10 Feb 2011
" Your donor will fall in love with your kids. His kids. This is a fact. Get used to it now. If your donor does not fall in love with your kids, congratulations: you just had children with a psychopath. "
Direct quote from a Wendy Bower, and cited by Elizabeth Marquardt as a way to apparently reinforce her views on the 'right' of women to use assisted reproduction.
- http://familyscholars.org/2011/02/10/and-baby-makes-more/
This was actually sent to us by someone, as it had been quoted here (link to follow)
However when we read the actual article Wendy Bowers was sharing her experiences, that are exactly the experiences many of us have shared. The realisation that whatever you agree before the birth, the reality is very different. And the 'sperm donor' is actually a real person who we would hope does actually care about the child! Please read the 'real' article here.
It demonstrates why we do what we do; help and support people so that they remain optimisitc about what will happen after the birth, and be 'ok' with relationships developing. Infact encouraging them. And ideally be open to this before the birth- before conception!
Why? Because children deserve to know where they come from, and ideally to also be able to have a relationship with the biological parent.
So why was this quote cited- and parts of the article used by Elizabeth- other than to support her view that lesbian couples should not be 'manufacturing' children?
Our concern is that people such as Elizabeth seem to be behind the 'Anonymous Us Project', supposedly Alana Stewart's brainchild. Someone who has radical views regarding this subject.
See direct link to the site to left hand side of all FamilyScholars.org site pages.Eizabeth Marquardt was co-author of the My Daddy's Name is Donor' report.
Please see http://www.bionews.org.uk/page_65970.asp
- My Daddy's Name is Donor' Read With Caution!The 'Children Deserve to Know Where They Come From' campaign - was created to support families who have had assistance- eg raising sperm donor conceived children - as well as offering a place for children born from sperm donation to speak out. The focus is very different however- with parents who are considering using a sperm donor supported. They are also encouraged to use a private donor and have an arrangement whereby the child can find out information about the donor dad- and in most instances meet the biological father before 18- if the child wants this. Some even co-parent - but without romance. The Child Listener™ is trying is changing the way people view sperm donation arrangements- encouraging sharing of information- and open honest conversations as early as possible. For example by using a 'Donor Dad' questionnaire as a starting point- that is based on information children have shared with with professionals about that they want to know.
Being a child born through sperm donation does not mean the child is therefore going to grow up unhappy - and an unproductive member of society as we are led to believe if we delve deeper into the viewpoint of the creator of the Anonymous Us project, Alana Stewart and those 'hidden in the wings'..
There are no differences for the child when raised by non biological parents- simply because a sperm donor was used. Any negative issues more lie with how the child is raised, and how much information that they are given about their biological identity during childhood- than the conception itself. We need to be clear about this. Also see related articles and research- eg Parenting Matters - http://economix.blogs.nytimes.com/2011/04/14/how-parenting-matters/
Want to Read More? Buy the Book- What Children Need (Family & Public Policy)
The main issues children (often now adults) speak of regarding their origins is lack if information- which does not allow them to form a true identity. and that most parents do not have the understanding and skill set to handle this- when for centuries sperm donation has been kept secret. They are unsure of how to offer their children this information- in an age appropriate and sensitive manner. Children can be told of their conception early on- and this, alongside positive caring parenting, gives children a very good chance of growing up to be happy, kind, members of society. The way in which they are parented - and the environment in which they are raised- and the events that occur at various stages in their lives- are much more important and influential regarding their early development.
You will see from various articles relating to anonymous donations, that it is often a lack of openness and honesty that caused pain- and that information was not available to them. The sperm donor is part of who they are forever- and this doesn't have to threaten the relationship with the 'real' parents- the parents who are actually raising the child.- and it doesn't have to cause any negativity. Each case is different- and we aim to help individual families more effectively meet the needs of each child.
The Child Listener™ was alerted to Alana's personal views after writing to her- thinking that ' Anonymous Us' site visitors would benefit from knowing of the 'Children Deserve to Know Where They Come From campaign'. Both apparently supporting children? Alana was very clear in her reply - in that she does not support sperm donation at all - because her concerns regarding sperm donation are (in her words):
1. Commodification of human beings.
2. Higher risks of child abuse for children raised with non-biological men in the house.
3. Higher risks for children to become abusers when they were abused as children.
4. Poverty with no second parent income.
5. Violent behavior in male children raised without fathers & increase in misogyny.
6. Increased risk for teen pregnancy/promiscuity/STDs and sexual infections/feelings of worthlessness for female adolescents with no loving father figure.
7. Toxic Shame
8. Desensitization to materialism and entitlement personality.
9. Desensitization of commodification- children may be likely to prostitute themselves in several senses of the word later in life.
An idea of how Alana Stuart 'thinks' can be seen on many other forums and articles. Please read the comments posted by Alana herself following these articles- as the articles relating to the project- and the project itself- do not include them.
Alana posted this recently - to the Family Scholars web site- after a workshop for parents considering using reproductive technologies to grow their familes.
http://familyscholars.org/2010/06/08/a-sunday-in-the-shark-tank/
We do hope that with time she will open her heart and mind to the possibility that negative experiences - and a society in crisis- are not necessarily directly linked to surrogacy, sperm (or egg) donation, and to children being raised by single women, lesbian, gay or infertile couples. We (presumably) are on the same page in that we want the best for children- and agree that many should not be having children- and that many children are suffering because of the choices made by adults. However we would like to keep this general- and not pin point a specific group etc. For example, Alana's publicised view on reducing teenager promiscuity is '
"I know how to avoid teenage promiscuity: include your child's father in their life."Obviously there are many children who have two biological parents in the home who are in sexually active- and these flippant comments do worry us. She currently seems to believe that biological fathers are the only 'fathers' who should be raising children- and that sperm donation is not an option therefore. That children have the best chance of being happy, well adjusted and productive members of society if born to - and raised by- married, straight fertile couples. If this is not the case we would like to know. So far she has not denied this.
We are trying to remain open-minded- and support her forum for individuals born through anonymously sperm donation- because we support those individuals- but cannot support Alana's views- as outlined above- or be involved in anything where the stories told through the forum are used to fuel radical political agendas. What is worrying to us is the validity of these 'stories' posted- and the fact that positive stories do not seem to be well received. We would question whether the supposed 'positive' stories are actually real- or placed there to give the appearance of a balanced forum. Infact at least 3 site visitors have written to tell us that they posted positive stories- that they can not find on the forum. The ones highlighted on the home page are always heavily political- and words used such a 'manufactured' children.
There are huge issues relating to donor conception- and we are absolutely against anonymous donations- and also feel that even knowing of your origins at 18 is too late. But to bring about change we must tread carefully - Alana is not dissimilar in her approach to a raging bull, completely throwing people in her way into panic and confusion. She has many valid points- and we have many similar ideals- but the way in which she has been approaching this has perhaps separated people still further, rather than bringing us together.
Alana is heavily involved with Elizabeth Marquardt and others - eg through the 'Institute of American Values' (Family Scholars). Not known for their compassion for their fellow
humans- unless they are members of certain groups and with specific values. And although much good - ethically- can be found there- much of their writings seems unrealistic considering human behaviour. Again, our position is that the way in which people bring about change is to encourage others to listen. If they wont even listen- there is no way you can get them onboard, to support your cause.For example, according to Elizabeth Marquardt (Director of the Center for Marriage and Families at the Institute for American Values and editor of FamilyScholars.org ) half of young adults who are conceived by sperm donation are "disturbed about the circumstances of their conception." "Overall, compared to those who are raised by their biological parents, they are more likely to struggle with mental illness or substance abuse or depression," Marquardt told NPR last summer.
Is this true? Can we directly correlate these traits with being born through sperm donation - or is there a much bigger picture, relating to how told, when, if there is a relationship with the biological parent (the 'donor') etc. Other studies actually claim the the opposite to be true. For example In a 2001 article in Child Development (Vol. 72, No. 2, pages 559-608) Golombok found that children in families that underwent IVF were as well-adjusted on a range of social and emotional measures as matched youngsters who were adopted or conceived naturally. A study in Human Reproduction by Golombok and colleagues, published online March 29, reports on the third wave of a longitudinal study of youngsters who are now 3 and their parents. Families that conceived via donor egg or sperm, surrogates or naturally were a lot alike with one exception: Women who had conceived via an assisted method were more warm and interactive with their children than those who had conceived naturally.
On the 'Children Deserve to Know Where They Come From' site the creator and contributors believe that poor parenting and behaviour choices are down to individuals - and they try to play a part in helping them develop more loving, stable and nurturing parenting practices.
We promote the acknowledgement of all biological parents- even if not raising the child in the traditional sense- and do not feel that any arrangements are in the best interest of the child- when the arrangement takes place within a sperm bank or clinic. Only private arrangements can really give children the chance to know their identity, and have a relationship with the donor at a time in their lives when this link can be incredibly important to them.
So we do have many similar ideals - regarding children and sperm donation- however we do not promote harsh judgement and condemnation.
We, too, wish for society to change- however the approach through this site is to actually work with people - and take a preventative approach. To encourage donor conception arrangements that allow for sharing of information with children about their biological origins- as early as possible. Also to take this approach to change with love and empathy- and through education.
So, while we do not support anonymous sperm donations now or in the future because children deserve to know where they come from, we absolutely do not support Alana Stewart's view that being a child from anonymous (or any) type of donation directly results in negative life experiences such as depression, prostitution etc even though we do not support anonymous donations. If parents have chosen this route- unaware at the time of the potential issues - they need to be supported. It doesnt mean they have necessarily chosen something that will equate with a life of unhappiness for their children.
We believe that nurture- and especially PARENTING is the key to a happy childhood - and happy children. Those raising the children are the most important people in influencing how children view themselves- and we support them therefore- regardless of whether they are the biological parents, or not.
We are saddened that Alana- and others- links the list (in red) with children born through sperm donation- as if being a donor conceived child is in itself a cause for negativity- rather than sometimes there being a correlation. It is demeaning to the wonderful parents who have had to use a sperm- or egg - donor- and who have raised wonderful, healthy and happy children. However we have created this web site as we want to offer alternatives- to get people talking- and to stop anonymous donations in the future. They do not need to happen any more. In the UK and Australia they have already been abolished- and Canada is to follow suit. We need to educate Americans- show would-be-parents that they can be parents even if single, gay, infertile- but they do not need to choose to do this through the fertility authorities.
And this is where we do seem to really differ. The people behind the Anonymous Us project seem to not only want to abolish all sperm donation practices through clinics- but also to only allow married straight couples to have children. That the biological father should raise the child- and if that is not possible then no arrangement should be made. Please do correct us if this is not an accurate interpretation.Our stance is that surely people who are emotionally and financially stable should be able to be parents- regardless of their sexuality, fertility or marital status? Many straight married couples should not- in our opinion- have been allowed to have children in the first place. However who can determine that either? We often do not know of the mistakes we make until our children start to voice their opinions themselves.
The ability of single women, lesbian and infertile couples to be good parents is not defined simply because they are part of this group of human beings. And to do this they need assistance- from a sperm donor. No, anonymous sperm donations should not be allowed- and many countries are now recognising this. But why not choose a sperm donor who will also be known to the child from birth? Alternative parenting arrangements are actually now commonplace- surely we can accept that this is human behaviour- and accept that although children need to know of their origins, and to have choices regarding their relationships as they grow older- having a father raising the child full time in the household is not a necessity, in order for a child to grow up happy, secure and well adjusted.
We are concerned that Alana thinks children who are raised by single mothers or lesbian parents (or gay dads) are automatically disadvantaged.
Also that those who believe that religion distates that this is 'wrong' and 'against nature'. .We, as a people, regularly make changes that goes against what nature gave us. We change our hair colour, take medications when sick, have surgery, wear glasses....Since the beginning of time we have made decisions, and done things, that go against what God- or nature- apparently intended for us. We are wired - naturally- to want to raise children- and to love, and be part of a family. If nature gave us infertility, or a preference for the same sex- then why should we not use a willing donor's sperm, to help us become parents, with his consent- and with a pre-agreed (but flexible) arrangement in place? It isnt selfish to want to be parents- as Alana implies- if we are in a position to meet their needs. We accept assistance in other areas of life- why not with regards to a fundamental desire for most human beings- that of loving and raising children.
And- ironically- Jesus himself was not raised by his biological father- is this not a message to us, to accept that social fathers can be amazing role models also. And that a child should also have regular contact with the biological father? If we really want to use religion then consider the messages God was giving us regarding 'alternative families' as was Jesus' experience. Joseph - as with most good men- was able to accept and embrace Jesus as his son. Perhaps the most significant 'social father' of all time.
No, people shouldnt have children if they are not able to raise then in an environment that allows them to develop to their potential- and parents should be encouraged to be open and honest about their children's origins. If we start from that point, the issue can become clearer. However not all sperm donations 'intentionally separate children from their family' (their family being the donor's family) as is apparently the general opinion given by Alana's supporters. There are other options- options provided for example through FSDW. For the very reasons outlined on this page.
Yes, forums and sites that allow for people to express themselves and their personal truth- anonymously- should be supported. This is not the first of its kind- and we hope not the last. However if there is a hidden agenda- with the site owners hoping to use these stories to gain supporting material - and potentially screening, or refusing stories that do not support their view- then all should be aware of this.
Also that when people are unhappy they tend to talk about it- for every story where a child (now adult) is in real pain, there will also be stories that are the complete oppoosite. Unfortunately they are not usually the ones who feel a need to put this to paper. We must remain open minded about what the Anonymous Us project is really telling us- even though we would never trivialise the desire for any human to know of their origins- and to be angry at not having this information- or that it was shared late in life, or in an insensitive way.
Instead, the Children Deserve web site aims to address this- and to work out solutions so that future generations do not have these stories. We should be supporting children- and families who choose assistance- not condemning them. Yes- these adults need a voice- somewhere to speak out- and we applaud Alana for creating the Anonymous Us project for that purpose. If 'healing' truly is the purpose- or one of its aims- these individuals could also join professional such as The Child Listener™ to make changes for the future. They can be a part of a changing the way in which we create sperm donation arrangements- taking on a preventative approach- and helping families. They can let others know what they would have wished for- had they had a say before conception! We do hope that many who have had wonderful lives and experiences- and who have been created through anonymous donations- will also speak out. We hope that even if Alana (and others) intend to use stories written by individuals to support their belief that sperm donation (in any form) should not be permitted- that, at the very least, we can help the participants become fully aware of what they are participating in.
Commercial sperm donations - ie through clinics and sperm banks- are not child friendly. The cost is too high. So let us work together to stop this from happening- but to do that we need to offer alternatives. And if your view is that not everyone deserves to be a parent, then you are are going to lose the war, and the fertility authorities win..
As parents it isn’t always enough to ‘do our best’- our best may not enable us to meet the needs of our children,
however much we want it to.
Someone needs to stand up and speak up for those children, and offer
parents the information, knowledge and skills that will help them be great role models.
That 'someone' is The Child Listener™
The Child Listener- A Voice for Kids
Articles about the Anonymous Us Project- please also read comments
http://www.mercatornet.com/articles/view/the_pain_of_anonymous_parentage/